I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
