My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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