i think i have two assholes
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
