My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
