can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
