Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
