i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
