he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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