you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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