i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
