i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
