Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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