no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
