True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
