So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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