1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I am mentally ready for anal.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
