i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
