I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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