Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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