Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
