Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
