Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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