Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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