I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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