I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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