piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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