Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
