I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
