I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
