I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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