happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
