Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Drunk is a universal language darling
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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