and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
