i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
