Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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