I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
