I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You're like the curious george of whores
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Of course I have a pirate flag
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
