I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Two words: blizzard sex
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
