Banned from zoo.
Again?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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