He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
