He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
