If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How external is "for external use only"?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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