just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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