the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The best revenge is premature balding
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
