By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
