I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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