I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
