I'm jealous of your bromance
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
