He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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