so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
