she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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