I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
