hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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